I've always associated change with loss. Which is dissapointing because change is always a positive idea for me. And loss is hard for me to deal with. I hate the idea of drifting away from friends. and right now I'm changing. It might be becasue of separation from charter. and knowing I'm giving up a massive part of my life. But I'm changing.
and everyone's noticed.

There is something to be said of the feeling of lonliness. It's similar to being incomplete. It's also completely cliche that we can feel lonley in a large crowd- but it happens. Some people consider lonliness as a disease, some think it's not a big deal. People don't really know how to properly handle it or what to think if it. I don't think it's a severe problem. But it's an awful feeling in the world. Being inadequate.

I don't know whatI want to be when I grow up. I don't enjoy people who have a pre-planned life. Like that plastic surgeon on "Dr. 90210." People are so afraid of failure. Like they're automaticallyt going to belose everything and become homeless. People can be so incredably materialistic. How can anyone need so much STUFF. I guess it's just human nature for people to want the best for themselves. Selfish. Is anyone not though? Sure there are those random acts of generosity, but deep down everyone thinks of themselves first.

Everyone's trust is constantly called into question.
and I wonder, is everyone really lying? or is everyone just paranoid?
Little kids can be honest. They don't know that lying will get them what they want. I lie too much. I've always been a lier. About everything. And I don't even know why. Maybe it's compulsive, but I can't stop. I am always like "I really should stop" and I always promise myself that I'll be honest. But that's just a lie to myself. I don't even realize when I'm doing it. I just continue to talk. It's easier for me to tell the truth to the people I hate. Maybe becasue I don't and won't care what they think. I want them to hate me for who I really am. Not some fake me that they have made up in my head. Which is one of the reasons I really don't like nikki. (I really hate to bring her into this entry) but it's true. How can someone hate someone when they really don't even like them? I guess they've come up with some awful person and made themselves pick out the bad things and overlook the good. They've like invented some horrible villain in their head and won't learn the truth. They lie to themselves. I guess everyone wants to be some like great thing. Someone amazing and because everyone idolizes something or someone, they lie to themselevs and others to make themselves into this person/thing. But I don't think that's why I lie. I don't even have a reason for it. I lie to people I really care about. I think that after being hated for so long and then getting friends, I don't want to lose them. But friends should love you no matter what right? But then again, if they can't trust you, what are they supposed to do?
How do my friends deal with me.

I am so slow right now. My eyes are heavy and burned.
All day I was tired and moving slowly. Like there's nothing behind my eyes, just space and more space. Sometimes I just feel so empty and alone. I feel disconnected-----I'm not sure why.
Lately, I have had really had good or bad days.
I'm just so tired--I feel like I have been walking for days and I just keep going.
I was just reading my old entries. I hate them and thought of deleting them, but I won't. It's important to remember. My past is me. I think what bugs me the most is that I tried so hard to be happy. I wanted to blank out all emotion so badly that I would just pretend all the time. I mean, in some of the entries, I actually did have a moment where things cleared up and I was ok, but in most of them I was just miserable and telling myself I wasn't.I don't think I ever want to be mindlessly happy.

I hate poop. Really. If I could be anything, I would not want to be a stinky little poo.

Yo Yo Yo! All you sucka MCs ain't got nothin' on me! From my grades, to my lines you can't touch Kevin G! I'm a mathlete, so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard I'm like James Bond the third, sh-sh-sh-shaken not stirred - I'm Kevin Gnapoor! The G's silent when I sneak through your door. And make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shaggy, you'll know it was me. Cause the next time you see her she'll be like, OOH! KEVIN G!

Ten things that make me happy:

1. Real hugs. No wimpy I don't wantyour cooties hugs.
2. kisses on the forhead. Those are so great.
3. My friends. Because they are so weird.
4. weird looks. 'Cause that means that people have no idea what teh hell you are thinking. and It's great.
5. green eyes
6.witty people.
7. Being really hungry and then eating
8. Bare feet. but with long pants.
9. People that have specific smells. 10. lists. yes it's corny but I really love them. Instead of having a diary I have a book of lists. It's really fun.


I TAG....

PUCKETT
LUCIA
ALISON

I needed to update like BAD LY. Hokay, so. I got my ear all yummy now. It's REAL cute. picture later. and it's AMAZING
Esther made me an earing out of a pen and it loooks like a real plug. Like shazzam it's 'MAZING. So anyways. I come home and mother sees."WHAT IS THAT!?!" [lots of..hmmms and take that outs]. SO she gives me this whole speech about like how I look like gross and I should be more joyful looking. (SHE'S THE ONE WHO ALWAYS IS TELLING ME LIKE I SHOLD BE DIFFERENT OR WHATEVER.). And so she says "no more eyeliner." no. no no no. WHY ARE YOU TURNING ME INTO SOMETHING?


Why can't you just see me for what I am now....instead of what I DIDN'T become.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'